Step Study
As
my first sponsor Art used to say: “Either we find humility or humility
will find us.” I didn’t really understand what this meant, at first.
Fortunately, I’ve had many humility lessons over the years to help me
stay “teachable.”
For instance, with five years’ sobriety, I moved from St. Pete to San Diego to start a new job. Naturally, I began looking for new meetings to attend in my new hometown. Being single, I was also hoping to meet some single women. But then, I got a new sponsee who wanted me to take him through the Steps.
Thinking quickly, I asked several of my new friends – men and women – if they were interested in starting a 12 Step Study group so they and my sponsee could get through the Steps and I could start socializing at my new apartment in San Diego!
My second-floor walkup apartment was easy to find and it was a quiet complex. So, we set a date at the beginning of the next month when the five of us – two young women, two men and myself – would begin discussing Step 1.
About a week before we were going to start, however, the quiet of the complex was suddenly shattered. My downstairs neighbor, an older woman who’d been living alone, abruptly got a new roommate who seemed to prefer shouting to talking in a normal tone of voice – at all hours!
Even worse, he must have been from New York City because he had the patter and the jargon down pat: “FaGETTaboutit!”
He seemed to pass the time chain-smoking cigarettes while sitting at the door to their
apartment, where the stairs to my unit ended, usually sporting a
tank top undershirt and sipping a soda. I imagined that his
roommate wouldn’t let him smoke inside the apartment. As a recovered
ex-smoker, I could easily see why, as clouds of foul-smelling
smoke drifted slowly upstairs toward my unit.
Still, I was determined to get this Step Study going and things did seem to get a little quieter in the evenings when the New Yorker would sometimes go inside to watch TV. So, I reminded my friends about our meeting plans and put in some extra effort to make my new apartment look its best. I even fixed some snacks and soft drinks.
As it got closer to 7 o’clock, when my new guests would be coming over, I nervously checked to make sure the coast was clear. Fortunately, my new loud downstairs neighbor was nowhere in sight.
Then the time came and my guests came trudging up the stairway, one by one, with their Big Books in hand as I requested. After some greetings and introductions, we settled in to start the meeting with a prayer – but suddenly, there was a knock at the door.
Puzzled, I got up from our circle and opened the door. “Hiya!” my new neighbor from New York said to me at top volume. “You guys doing a meeting? I noticed you was all carrying Big Books coming up here and I thought…” He looked around at the group expectantly. “The thing is, I just got outta jail last week and I could really use a meeting.”
Actually, it was the LAST thing I wanted to do – I mean, what would these young women think about this? About me? “This guy is a trainwreck!” my ego shouted in my head. “Ditch him!”
But that’s not what I said. I don’t know where it came from but all I heard my voice say was, “Sure. We’re starting a Step Study. Have you got a book?” And sure enough, he had one under his arm, which he held out as proof. “We were just getting ready to pray in,” one of the others said and we quickly did introductions as he sat down.
And that’s how I met Mike A., my downstairs neighbor, who later became my second sponsee in San Diego. He told me that once he was released from jail, he had moved in with his mother and was hoping to get some rides to meetings, get a job and start helping her with rent.
Clearly, my Higher Power wanted me get settled into my sobriety in San Diego before I started chatting up any female companions. “First things first,” as my St. Pete sponsor would have said.
But later, while actually working through the Steps on this episode, I realized how much my pride was working overtime when I first got to San Diego, trying to prove to all these new people what a great guy I was.
Failing to find humility in my new home, humility found me. And I unexpectedly got to remember what my primary purpose was: NOT to look “hip, slick and cool,” as Art used to say, but instead, "to stay sober and help others to achieve sobriety." I also decided to take a time out from dating for a while, choosing instead to make some new friends among sober men. (At least, until my sponsor convinced me to start dating again.)
Fortunately, that step study group didn’t really last. But Mike
and I got to continue our journey through sobriety, working the steps,
going to meetings and even attending some weekend men’s retreats. A few
years after that, I even got to be Mike’s “Best Man” when he got
married.
That was over 20 years ago and at some point, Mike and I lost touch with each other. He went about his new life and I went about mine, as often happens in recovery.
But when I started writing down this story and thinking about Mike, an old photo surfaced. Then, I did a little checking… and it turns out that Mike is still clean and sober and doing God’s work, about an hour’s drive north of where we first met. He’s currently working with a Christian group that runs a sober living home and also helps to feed the homeless.
And, of course, I’m still working on my pride. Fortunately, I’m not alone. I also have the help of a Higher Power, who helps me to find humility… before humility finds me.
For instance, with five years’ sobriety, I moved from St. Pete to San Diego to start a new job. Naturally, I began looking for new meetings to attend in my new hometown. Being single, I was also hoping to meet some single women. But then, I got a new sponsee who wanted me to take him through the Steps.
Thinking quickly, I asked several of my new friends – men and women – if they were interested in starting a 12 Step Study group so they and my sponsee could get through the Steps and I could start socializing at my new apartment in San Diego!
My second-floor walkup apartment was easy to find and it was a quiet complex. So, we set a date at the beginning of the next month when the five of us – two young women, two men and myself – would begin discussing Step 1.
About a week before we were going to start, however, the quiet of the complex was suddenly shattered. My downstairs neighbor, an older woman who’d been living alone, abruptly got a new roommate who seemed to prefer shouting to talking in a normal tone of voice – at all hours!
Even worse, he must have been from New York City because he had the patter and the jargon down pat: “FaGETTaboutit!”
He seemed to pass the time chain-smoking cigarettes while sitting at the door to their
apartment, where the stairs to my unit ended, usually sporting a
tank top undershirt and sipping a soda. I imagined that his
roommate wouldn’t let him smoke inside the apartment. As a recovered
ex-smoker, I could easily see why, as clouds of foul-smelling
smoke drifted slowly upstairs toward my unit.Still, I was determined to get this Step Study going and things did seem to get a little quieter in the evenings when the New Yorker would sometimes go inside to watch TV. So, I reminded my friends about our meeting plans and put in some extra effort to make my new apartment look its best. I even fixed some snacks and soft drinks.
As it got closer to 7 o’clock, when my new guests would be coming over, I nervously checked to make sure the coast was clear. Fortunately, my new loud downstairs neighbor was nowhere in sight.
Then the time came and my guests came trudging up the stairway, one by one, with their Big Books in hand as I requested. After some greetings and introductions, we settled in to start the meeting with a prayer – but suddenly, there was a knock at the door.
Puzzled, I got up from our circle and opened the door. “Hiya!” my new neighbor from New York said to me at top volume. “You guys doing a meeting? I noticed you was all carrying Big Books coming up here and I thought…” He looked around at the group expectantly. “The thing is, I just got outta jail last week and I could really use a meeting.”
Actually, it was the LAST thing I wanted to do – I mean, what would these young women think about this? About me? “This guy is a trainwreck!” my ego shouted in my head. “Ditch him!”
But that’s not what I said. I don’t know where it came from but all I heard my voice say was, “Sure. We’re starting a Step Study. Have you got a book?” And sure enough, he had one under his arm, which he held out as proof. “We were just getting ready to pray in,” one of the others said and we quickly did introductions as he sat down.
And that’s how I met Mike A., my downstairs neighbor, who later became my second sponsee in San Diego. He told me that once he was released from jail, he had moved in with his mother and was hoping to get some rides to meetings, get a job and start helping her with rent.
Clearly, my Higher Power wanted me get settled into my sobriety in San Diego before I started chatting up any female companions. “First things first,” as my St. Pete sponsor would have said.
But later, while actually working through the Steps on this episode, I realized how much my pride was working overtime when I first got to San Diego, trying to prove to all these new people what a great guy I was.
Failing to find humility in my new home, humility found me. And I unexpectedly got to remember what my primary purpose was: NOT to look “hip, slick and cool,” as Art used to say, but instead, "to stay sober and help others to achieve sobriety." I also decided to take a time out from dating for a while, choosing instead to make some new friends among sober men. (At least, until my sponsor convinced me to start dating again.)
Fortunately, that step study group didn’t really last. But Mike
and I got to continue our journey through sobriety, working the steps,
going to meetings and even attending some weekend men’s retreats. A few
years after that, I even got to be Mike’s “Best Man” when he got
married.That was over 20 years ago and at some point, Mike and I lost touch with each other. He went about his new life and I went about mine, as often happens in recovery.
But when I started writing down this story and thinking about Mike, an old photo surfaced. Then, I did a little checking… and it turns out that Mike is still clean and sober and doing God’s work, about an hour’s drive north of where we first met. He’s currently working with a Christian group that runs a sober living home and also helps to feed the homeless.
And, of course, I’m still working on my pride. Fortunately, I’m not alone. I also have the help of a Higher Power, who helps me to find humility… before humility finds me.
-- Michael Powers