Dating 101

When I’d been sober for 5 years, I moved from St. Pete to San Diego and I decided to take a time out from relationships. It seemed like good timing. My last relationship in St. Pete hadn’t gone so well. And being new to San Diego -- well, I really didn’t know any women in San Diego yet.

So, when my new San Diego sponsor, Dave M., eventually asked my why I wasn’t dating, I told him I was taking the year off. In the meantime, I mostly went to men’s meetings and used the time to build up a group of new guy friends, a first for me.

But after a year, Dave was back, suggesting it was time for me to “get back on the horse” and start dating again. I told him my life was fine the way it was, drama-free and going smoothly. “That’s okay,” he said. “It’s just DATING.”

Intro to Dating

I told him I didn’t really know how to “date.” When it came to women, I explained, “I usually just take hostages.” After he stopped laughing, he asked what I was afraid of.

I told him I thought that was obvious: “Rejection, looking foolish, getting too involved,” I replied. “Should I go on?”

But he wouldn’t just drop the subject. “Recovery is about walking through our fears,” he insisted. “What’s your usual M.O. for dating?” he asked.

I couldn’t believe we were actually discussing this. “I guess if I see a girl I like, I ask her if she wants to go out. And if she says ‘Yes,’ then I ask her where she would like to go.”

Wrong

“Wrong,” Dave said. “No wonder you don’t like to date, with that approach.”

Instead, he explained, I should find something that I enjoy doing – like going to the ball game – and buy two tickets. “Then, when you see someone you think might be fun to spend time with, you say ‘I’ve got tickets for the Padres game this weekend, would you like to go?’ If they say no, then you ask someone else, and so on. Don't worry! Eventually, someone will say yes.”

Curious now, I asked what comes next. “You take her home, you say ‘thank you very much for a very nice time’ and then you go home.” Wait, what? “You don’t call her back, you don’t follow up. Instead, you buy two more tickets and go out with someone else. One date, that’s it; then, move on.”

I said I thought that sounded ridiculous or at the very least, a lot of trouble. “You don’t even know what sort of woman you’d like to be with,” he said. “You need to do some research first and find out what feels right.”

When I asked him how long I had to do this “research,” he just said “for a while” – at least until it started to feel comfortable. I couldn’t imagine doing that, but just to prove him wrong, I began the experiment, one date at a time, just after my 6th sobriety anniversary, in February.

Diving In

I slowly worked up the courage to ask some women out and I gradually discovered some of the fun things to do in my new hometown, San Diego: the restaurants, the beaches and even what it's like to go ocean kayaking and camping off the coast of Baja California!

After doing this for about four months, I was at a backyard party on Memorial Day weekend and I met a fun, vivacious woman named Jeanne. I discovered she worked in local TV news, which I found impressive. Since I had worked at some newspapers in Florida, we proceeded to chat for an hour about careers in news and journalism. She was amazing! She was pretty and obviously smart -- and she even had a great sense of humor.

We were both having such a good time, it seemed we couldn’t stop talking. But then, we started getting dirty looks from the one of the hosts, who had only invited singles to the party and wanted everyone to “mingle.”

“I think we’re supposed to be talking to other people,” Jeanne said, nodding toward the host. Reluctantly, we headed in different directions but not before I decided I would circle back later.

Soon after that, I went outside to get my jacket from the car and I noticed someone else was in the front yard.... smoking a cigarette. It turned out to be Jeanne.

Damn!

“Oh damn!” she exclaimed. “You’re the last person I wanted to see me doing this!” We both laughed and I told her I had been a smoker, too and I knew how tough it was to quit. “But this is convenient because I’d planned on running into you again,” I added.

She said she had to leave the party early because in the morning, she was driving up to Los Angeles for a graduation ceremony. She had just spent the last three years studying to be a “spiritual practitioner,” which sounded like a formal sort of role so I was intrigued. “Well, I went to Catholic schools for 12 years,” I said, “but most of what I know about God I learned in my 12 Step recovery program.”

Trust

This launched a new discussion about our spiritual beliefs, addiction, and other revealing topics – much more honest from the one we’d been having in the backyard. Finally, she turned to leave but by then, I was too bewildered to ask for her number. Fortunately, she turned back around and handed me her business card. “Give me a call sometime,” she said.

When I called to ask her to lunch a few days later, she explained that in TV news, they didn’t really have time to do lunch. “But I’ve got two tickets to the media preview of the County Fair next weekend. Want to go?” Jeanne asked.

The Next Level

We had so much fun on that date that I got permission to stop doing my “research project” and instead, “take it to the next level,” as my sponsor put it. We went out a few more times after that and I even cooked her dinner.

Over the months, attraction turned into love and love turned into commitment. We took some trips together, to San Francisco and Hawaii. We moved in together and then, a couple of years later, we bought a new house together and then, we got married in it. (In fact, we moved into the house on Wednesday and got married on Sunday, which, in TV news, is “plenty of time.”)

And believe it or not, that wedding took place – as of this month -- exactly 25 years ago. Without a doubt, they’ve been the happiest 25 years of my life (so far).

Miraculous

How is this even possible? It’s nothing less than the miracle of sobriety, taking the advice of a sincere sponsor and trying to follow the direction of a Power greater than me.

I am humbled… and so grateful. Thanks to my (now) late sponsor, Dave M., I was able to learn that “recovery really IS about walking through our fears.”

And I also discovered that my best friend -- and now life partner -- had been searching for some time, hoping to discover me, too.